It's Our Tulsaversary

Our last moments in Maryland, at one of our favorite spots.

Today, April 26th, marks our 365th day living in Tulsa Oklahoma. It might be hard for some to believe that have never been here, but moving to Tulsa has been one of the smartest and best decisions of my life.

Last April, Enzo and I moved from Gaithersburg, MD to Tulsa, OK. Although I knew where we were going, I wasn’t quite sure where we were headed. As I watched the only coast either of us had ever lived on fade, as we left each familiar state, so many thoughts crossed my mind:

”365 days from now will we be packing up to move right back to the DMV? If it’s not here, what city is for us? Is there even a city in this country that will feel like home? Should we just move to another country altogether? Could we actually, really find our place in Oklahoma?”

The latter seemed least likely a year ago today, but as of today, Tulsa has proven to the be best scenario for our current lives — for:
the way I want to build;
the way I want to actively be in community with others;
the way I want to show up and be shown up for;
the way I want to honor my ancestors;
the way I want to share the world, the truth about the history of this country and what is possible with my son, and so much more.

What I’ve been reminded of since we’ve been here is that life is for leaping, taking chances, betting on yourself and living on purpose. Since living here, I was told that we should strive to “die empty” — leave it all out there and make sure we’re all used up before we leave this planet. I feel like I can be put to great use here and I’m certainly going to make the best of my time while I’m here.

“What is for you will never miss you and what misses you was never for you. ”

— Unknown

I’m not sure if Tulsa is for a reason, a few seasons, or a lifetime, but I am certain that we are meant to be here. We were meant to meet the people we’ve met and will continue to meet. We weren’t placed here on accident, and we couldn’t have had the experiences we’ve had here this year had we just continued to just stay and exist where we were.

I couldn’t begin to share all the things we’ve gained in this move, but some of the highlights have been:

• Having the Tulsa Remote community here already willing and ready to share their stories, experiences, and time

• Exploring 22 states with my son

• Watching my son fall in love with horses (and rodeo) like I did as a child

• Visiting and learning about the remaining All-Black towns of Oklahoma and connecting with elders in these special towns

• Wonderful neighbors who look out for each other

• Being filmed by 20/20 about our life over the last 24 months

• Meaningful conversations about our journey to Tulsa and hearing about the stories of others

• Cowboy Enzo energy and all that comes with that

• Sunset bike/scooter rides

• Establishing new connections, deepening friendships, and reaffirming the meaning of family

• A visit from Nana and Papa

• Wandering the prairie screaming primal sounds with Titi Linda, Tio Keir, Tio Kenny and Xela

• Being in Tulsa for the Centennial of the Tulsa Race Massacre

• Lazing around in my very own backyard

• Confronting my fears with my son cheering me on

• Enzo’s first sleep over with his cousins Gio and Gigi

• Mini neighbors knocking on the door, looking for Enzo

• Raising caterpillars and watching them turn into butterflies

• Weekend trail rides and tubing on the many lakes of Oklahoma

• Visiting new national parks

• A sunset dip at Broken Bow

• Photo walks in new cities

• Mulitas de birria

• Winding through a peace forest in South Dakota

• Incredible sunflower fields in Nebraska

• Tagging cars at Cadillac Ranch and Carhenge

• Meow Wolf, Santa Fe

• Our park day with cousins Tonia and Kai

• Afternoons in the Philbrook Gardens

• Dance battles in the Tulsa Botanic Gardens

• Traveling 3 hours for the best Thai food in Oklahoma

• Enzo’s first day of pre-school

• Enzo’s second first day of pre-school

• Everything Raising Radishes has gifted us

• Learning / singing (and liking) Country songs and watching my son develop his own ‘Country boy swag’

• Experiencing Yayoi Kusama and all things Crystal Bridges

• All the mountain top You Tube video channel content making with Ranger Enzo

• Getting a dog and then un-getting a dog

• North Forest Lights in Bentonville, AR

• Learning that this city girl really likes Arkansas

• Birthday roadtrip to Marfa

• Cleaning up the Boom Boom room and all its pallets

• Time with Rachel and Maaaaatt

• Returning to the DMV to spend time with family and being reminded that the love will always be there no matter where we are

• Buying our first home

• Being reminded by my son that Maryland/DC is NOT in fact home, but home is here, and home is us, together

Now we fight over who can wear the TUL hat vs. the Marfa hat…

Me: on our 365th day on OUR porch!

Enzo: in our backyard, before school, saying “GOOD MOOOOOORNING, TULSA!!” As he does every morning.

All that’s left to say is…come visit. It’s easier to understand when you visit.

Me, Enzo, and Tulsa are waiting for you!

2020: The year Motherhood, Mother Nature, and PBS Kids saved my life

I was working on this really elaborately detailed post that started with what 2020 was ‘supposed’ to be, or what I told myself, what we collectively told ourselves, 2020 could/should offer us. I decided to scrap that bit because I don’t need to tell you that. What I will tell you though is that although 2020 was absolutely nothing I could have imagined, it has been an incredibly significant and meaningful year — a year of clarity and salvation.

The short version of the story is —

“small is all”

— adrienne maree brown

I survived this year because:

• I have fully embraced a truth — the small things are the ones that provide abundance and the biggest, most magical and most lasting impact in our lives

• my son, with his love, energy, humor, and inquisitive nature saves my life daily

• I have wonderful friends / family who offer up their very best love, even from a distance

• I committed to being out in nature almost every day if only to remember that the sun still rises and sets each day with a daily offering for each of us to be better and live better

• I am clear that home is us whether we are in an apartment, a tent, a tipi or anywhere else

• people have been putting their lives on the line every day to make sure there is food in the grocery stores to feed my family, and there are packages at my door when I need them

• face paint — my costume-loving, superhero and animal-loving son, reminded me that I continue to pick up new identities along the journey, but haven’t lost the artist/creative identity I carry

• we turned the lights down low and let glow in the dark dance parties take shape in our home

• I let my inner DJ out for a 90s Zoom dance party

• weekly adventure challenges kept us inquiring about ourselves and the world around us

• flowers continued to bloom and needed picking

• leaves continued to change and needed crunching

• rocks needed scaling and logs provided us balance when things felt off kilter

• deer and turtles met us in the woods and we exchanged quiet moments

• my son told me beautiful stories amongst the trees

• I could spend a season watching the sun rise and set from sunflower fields

• I have beautiful people across the world to laugh with, cry with, and serve as accomplices on a journey to justice

• during a pandemic, when everything was scarce, I stumbled upon a kayak on Marketplace and was able to be on the water and nearer to nature in new ways

• campfires spark joy

• I had the chance to slow down and enjoy every day with the light of my life while he still enjoys being around me more than anyone else in the world

• I am privileged to work somewhere that cares about me, cares about women, cares about mothers, cares about Black people, and trusts that I’m always showing up the best that I can

• I was given a travel potty as a joke that, funnily, became core to my travel essentials: kid, keys, mask, water, wallet, sunnies, travel potty - check!

• PBS kids, in all it’s glory, helped get me through work calls by teaching my son when I physically or emotionally couldn’t — shout out to the Wild Kratts and Xavier Riddle and the Secret Museum

• we mostly stayed in our home or outside in the trees

• I protected my spirit and didn’t watch the countless videos of Black people being killed on video

• masks do work and we use them

• I voted and every vote counts

• I mostly remembered to write down at least one thing I was grateful for each day, even if it was nothing more than ‘I am still breathing. We are still breathing’

There are many other ‘small’ things that feel like salvation, but I’ll spare you and will instead, gently nudge you to spend some quiet time reflecting on all the small things that saved your sanity when you certainly could’ve lost it this year.

A lot of ‘homeschooling’ this year has been about play, imagination and nature, but this wild little boy is writing letters and numbers and starting to like it, most days.

Face painting was mostly an Enzo thing (me painting him), but he occasionally convinced me to paint my face, too.

We spent many weekends this year camping in various forests in Maryland and Virginia. Waking up in the woods was truly a highlight of our year.

This is one of the sweetest photos from our summer adventures. We found lots of new special places this summer. It’s amazing what you’ll find if you slow down and really open your eyes. I’ve lived in DC or Maryland most of my life and I feel like I discovered a whole new place this year.

This summer, everything sold out! bikes, kayaks — all things outdoor-related. Somehow I stumbled upon a brand new kayak that a family decided they didn’t need. That find gave us access to beavers, turtles, and other creatures, and deepened Enzo’s appreciation for the water and fishing.

It’s important for me that my son know that Black people are strong, beautiful and important in this country and in this world. We take all opportunities to honor Black folks and other People of Color, even in back alleys.

Early this fall, we got new boots, and then we got stuck in quick sand. It, like the rest of our year, was an adventure.

This was one of my favorite adventures this year — a night on a farm in the blue tipi.

Waking up to this sunshine made the hard moments bearable.

We committed to going outside every day, even the rainy days. This commitment served as one more reminder not to let anything or anyone rain on our parade; not even the actual rain itself.

“2020 will be... you know, 20/20 — the year of clear vision”

— an insightful friend of a friend

It’s true — 2020 was a year to see our country and world without rose-colored glasses. This year, many of our country and world’s ugly truths and complications bubbled to the surface, and then bubbled over. Over 1M people have died from Covid-19, millions more have lived and suffered through the various illnesses borne by the virus, and others have suffered in silence as careers, homes, and connections to loved ones have been lost. Other connections have only been maintained through Zoom chats, social media, and in my case, old school letter writing and postcards.

It has taken the entire world to come to a screeching halt, in this year of “clear vision”, for people to stop and recognize that Black people in this country, and world really, have been, and continue to be harmed physically and emotionally at alarming rates. The systems that govern us are broken and are not the systems that should guide us or bind us. I hope we will work collectively to dismantle these systems, unravel our past truths and make the learnings from this year be more than just an awareness that we have work to do in so many areas, but start us on a path to the radical, audacious emergence of love, empathy, and action.

“Love is ‘the will to extend one’s self for the the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. ‘ Love is as love does. Love is an act of will–namely, both an intention and an action.”

— bell hooks

Cheers to 2021 ushering in new energy, a collective desire for community, genuine care for humanity, and a deeply rooted commitment to LOVE.

40+

The thought of turning 40 always seemed like a huge milestone. I remember my mom’s 40th birthday when I was a child. There were wardrobe changes, live music, multiple cakes. It was an event! As much as I’m always planning a trip somewhere, my 40th birthday trip was one I’d daydreamed about for a long time.

Once Covid hit and shook up the lives of everyone paying even a little bit of attention, I knew my dreams of an Alaskan wilderness birthday adventure was not in the stars for the big 4-0. Ever the optimist with an insatiable spirit for experiences, I started planning a very intimate, socially distanced camping trip to keep with our new normal of honoring nature around us and finding beauty in the quotidian. What better way to enter a new decade than to wake up to the sound of birds chirping, crickets singing, and an amazing sunrise at the beach, right? Birds sang, crickets chirped, but what I envisioned was just waaaay different than the reality of my actual birthday and the days that followed.

It doesn’t take much to make me happy — I made myself this yellow cake with chocolate icing. Enzo sprinkled it with his magic and we carted it to the beach with us and ended up eating it in on top of the cooler in a parking lot.

Although I felt incredibly grateful to be healthy and sane amidst the chaos that is 2020, I wasn’t going out like that. My birthday is like New Years to me, and I was determined to feel the feelings I knew I needed to feel and really reset the way I required to start this new year and new season off well. After spending many late nights poring over Airbnb photos and reviews, I found a treehouse cabin in the woods of Pennsylvania and decided it was time for a 40th birthday redo. 40 days after my 40th, I found everything I needed to feel in myself and more, and I walked away from that quiet little carve-out of heaven in the woods with these little nuggets of wisdom on my heart and in my notebook. I’m sharing them, I hope they are good reminders for you as well.

To show up for myself for the next 40+ years I must::

• Cultivate a life with a foundation of gratitude

• Speak my truth + honor my experiences

• Not be afraid to be great

• Not be afraid to do the things other people won’t/don’t/can’t do

• Eat more veggies and drink more water!

• Meditate and pray daily

• Exercise for strength and overall wellness

• Prioritize getting a good night’s rest

• Honor my past while staying present and leaving space for current/future blessings to manifest

• Be kind, patient and compassionate towards myself, my son and others, but also take no shit

• Get rid of things that don’t add value

• Get + keep plants alive

• Write daily | take / print photos + share our stories — my stories and other folks

• Connect with those who stretch me, uplift me and challenge me + Disconnect from those who discourage and deplete me

• Read every day

• Sit up straight (my grandma would be proud that this made the list)

• Nurture the skin I live in both physically and spiritually

• Make my time on this earth count and use all my gifts

• Be a breathing manifestation and embodiment of my ancestors’ love, care, hard work, perseverance, and wildest dreams

• Let God’s love shine through me in the way that I care for myself, people and the land

• Drown out all the stories I’ve previously told myself and acknowledge they’re bullshit stories fed to me by scared people who don’t know who I am or whose I am

Now, it’s time to lean into it and live it!

Here are some additional photos from my bonus birthday week in Beach Lake, PA.

Although we were here alone, every time I’d look out at this space I could imagine a post-Covid world where the fire is roaring and the seats are full of joyful people that I love.

We are big into using our Fujifilm Instax Wide Film Camera. We take it on all of our adventures.

Enzo is becoming quite the photographer.

The writing room here reminded me of my childhood. I would lock myself in my room for an entire weekend and type up novels on my typewriter. Enzo was fascinated by the typewriter and went in everyday to “type” something for me.

Exploring on the Lackawaxen River

the light always finds this light-filled boy.

An afternoon well spent — kayaking and catching fish

Hammocks, firepits, treehouses and a view from every window.

The simplest moments are the ones I remember the most. Lazy breakfasts and baths in the woods top the list.

There were cacti in every room of this place. I love desert vegetation so I was obsessed!! My bonus birthday treat to myself was the purchase of as many cacti as I could fit in the car without the fear of injuring either of us.

Here’s to 40+ more…

40 x 40

The letter "x" is often used in algebra to mean a value that is not yet known.

Math hasn’t ever particularly been my sweet spot, but one thing I’m certain of is that life is certainly at least as complex and messy as the equation on the board above.

Although “x” in algebra is used to refer to an unknown value, in this instance, “x” refers to the 40 things I will do/experiences/explore “by” 40.

If I live long enough to make it to August 1, 2020 — I will turn 40 years old! That feels insane, but it’s true. Over the next 28 weeks and 5 days leading to that glorious day, I’ve committed to taking some actions that will push me to be the kind of person I want to be moving forward every day — 40 and beyond.

Although I’m clear on the big and small things I want to do to between now and then, the outcome of these actions / steps in preparation for 40+ certainly feel like “a value that is not yet known”.

My hope is that these steps / actions / adventures will:

• Challenge me to accept all of myself, how I got here, who came along for the ride, and determine who I want to be moving forward, who is coming and who cannot;

• Share the gift of gratitude for those who have taught me lessons along this journey;

• Be a blessing to someone the way others have been a blessing to me and in ways that people weren’t that I wish they had been and pay it forward;

• Lean into discomfort;

• Get out of my own way;

• Explore the things I haven’t yet;

• Returned to things I once loved and have turned away from and… very importantly —

• Just have fun!!

Although I’m just now sharing my 40 x 40 list, I’ve already started taking action towards the things I want to explore this year.

Thus far I’ve:

• Gone fishing with Enzo

• Gone camping with Enzo

• Set up a new savings account

• Donated most of Enzo’s toys to kids who don’t have any

• Taken myself to the movies (Joker)

• Written a letter to Enzo

• Gone somewhere new with Enzo (Asheville, NC)

Currently in Progress:

• Write letters to 40 people who have impacted my life significantly over the past 39+ years

• Purge all the things we don’t need / keeping only what matters

• Write 40 notes of kindness to people

• Exercise at least 3 days a week

• Carry out 40 acts of kindness for strangers

• Pray and meditate daily

• Be the guest on a podcast

• Determine our church home

• Tackle my fear of singing in public / sing in public

Still to tackle:

• Write necessary letters of forgiveness

• Write a short story reflective of each year of my life thus far

• Go on 40 photo walks

• Do service work in our community as a family

• Tackle 40 new adventures including travel to 40 new places (cities, sites, countries)

• Find sustainable ways to connect with people in our community that are often overlooked

• Take a bubble bath

• Bake a pie

• Fast for 5 days

• Road trip somewhere new with Enzo

• Go one week without chai

• Finish my will

• Make my own stationary set

• Learn to count to 100 in Vietnamese and learn 10 new useful phrases to teach my son

• Write a letter to my future self

• Go to a concert

• Make a piece of art to hang in our house

• Have an emergency fund and no debt except my student loan

• Lose 20 pounds and be the most fit and most healthy I’ve been yet

• Learn to play a song on the guitar

• Photo storytelling session with AnneMarie Hamant

• Go horseback riding with Enzo

• Go salsa dancing

• Go completely makeup free for a month

• Get a new hairstyle

• Get a bigger henna piece done and/or tattoo

• Wear a bikini to the pool/beach/Target (just kidding) and feel confident doing so

• Read 12 new books

Some of these actions / activities are small lifts because let’s be honest — I am a single working mom — I deserve a small lift here and there, BUT some of these are going to require some serious work, energy, tears, pain, and effort.

I’m ready to do the work, but still — Check on me, friends! Make sure I’m still breathing after returning to a hot yoga practice, writing the many stories of my life, and attempting to wear a bikini anywhere outside of my house! I will need prayers, good energy, encouragement and activity partners — come thru!!

Impromptu Homeschooling: getting crafty amidst crisis

My son’s daycare is still open. In these times, under these circumstances — he’s not going.

In the thoughtful practice of self-distancing and quarantine, we have to get even craftier, scrappier, and more imaginative in our habits and in how we parent / teach our little humans.

I have the privilege of staying home, staying employed (blessings up for my boss/my job) and homeschooling my son. We’ve just begun this homeschooling journey this week, but I’m determined to find a rhythm in our current situation and make it fun!

For those who are stressed out at the thought of being locked in your houses with little outside interaction, or are panicked at the idea of being at home with your children without a fun educational plan… I want to share the very rough guide to homeschooling I’ve put together and am attempting/adapting over the next several weeks.

Take what serves you. Leave what doesn’t.

• Morning Routine (pre school time) — For me, it’s important to keep some semblance of normalcy for him so we are sticking to our normal wake up/bedtime routines, and I’m scheduling in some things we both need (daily yoga/exercise/meditation/prayer and dance)

  • Wake up and share a gratitude (another day is never promised)

  • Sing our good morning song

  • Bathroom (hoping my kid will be convinced to leave pull ups behind post-‘rona)

  • Read a book in bed

  • Morning yoga, exercise, meditation + prayer

  • Eat breakfast

  • Brush teeth, wash face, get dressed in fresh comfortable clothes, brush hair

  • Dance Break (our family likes to dance daily so I built in a few actual dance/music breaks)

• In the Woods | Nature Adventure
  Bring a backpack, notebook, pen/pencil to document, build glossary of nature terms / words learned on the adventure

  Each day, we will explore a new way of seeing / being in nature:

  • Hike to a new place

  • Art with nature - collect things found in nature to use in afternoon art projects

  • Color / shape search - look for different colors and shapes in nature to use in afternoon art projects

  • Language in nature - name things we find (learn the words in Spanish and Vietnamese)

  • Photo walk

• Lunch - I’ve recently gotten into playing Jazz/Brazilian music with meals. Test it out.

• Lo Básico

  • Numbers (English, Spanish, Vietnamese) - we are only up to 20 in all languages. Hoping to get to 50 by the time ‘Rona is over

  • ABCs (English / Spanish) - spelling out words he’s excited about — mainly superheroes, animals and musicians names

  • Days of the Week / Months of the year

• The Quiet Storm - we both read a story on our own and then read one together

• Dance break #2 / Jam session - Again, we love music so we have a ton of instruments and jam out for awhile. Right now my son is addicted to Post Malone ‘Circles’, Carlos Vives ‘Robarte un beso’ and ‘Gota Fria’, and “La Llorona” and “Remember Me” from the movie Coco.

• N-A-P (I love you, now please GTFTS, son. Hope for 2 hours, but take what I can get with a 3 year old)

• Self-care / Get ish done - I try to knock out a bunch of work emails, shower AND take a quick nap during his rest time because how in the world are we supposed to keep up with these little people without a bit of rest!?? This is an emotionally stressful time so we need self care, too! Yes, even in the middle of the work day!

• Grumpy human wakes up / Snack time

• Freestyle Storytime - My son loves when I make up “Once Upon a Time” stories — so this allows for one during the day

Photo by First Palette

• Art / building station - We are incorporating the words we’ve learned on our nature adventure in art projects and building cars, rockets, and castles with magna tiles. I made up some themes:

  • Paper airplanes

  • Everyday things (art with random things we find at home)

  • Upcycled things (taking our recycling bin and storage closet to new heights!)

  • Graffiti for inspiration - (basically the works 3 year olds do) with watercolors, acrylics, markers (going for board, easel, canvas art — more likely to find wall art though)

  • For the Culture - (art inspired by other cultures) make mudcloth print, paper plate masks inspired by different cultures, clay/play doh spirit animals, origami (talk about and celebrate the countries / cultures that created these beautiful traditions and art)
    

• Outside time (in nature, away from all other people that don’t live in our house) We are lucky to have a lot of green space where we live so we are using this homeschooling time to go for long walks, learn to ride a bike, perfect our unique soccer celebrations, and get our arms ready to play ultimate frisbee

After this — we are back to regularly scheduled programming — being superheroes, playing music, dinner, bath time, PBS Kids — shout out to Wild Kratts and Xavier Riddle and the Secret Museum and MORE books!

Working During ‘Rona:
I’ll share what I do to make sure work is done and my son feels heard, seen and connected with me during the day. Although it’s not ideal, my trick is to go to sleep at my son’s bedtime and wake up early to get all of my work done while he sleeps. The days your work load is light or when you just know you need it — allow yourself some Netflix (and chill if you have a partner to do that sort of thing), books, a bath, reading, journaling, etc. it will save you during the day when you’re back into homeschooling / homemaking / stop-the-child-from-destroying-the-house mode.

A “Real” Homeschool Resource:
A friend of mine that homeschools her three children uses Wild + Free as a resource. For those of you who want to hunker down, get outside of the current rat race that is the current state of K-12 Ed and have the funds to pay for some new tools / resources for learning / teaching — check them out.

++ A love note from me to all of you:
Moms, Dads, Grandmas, Grandpas, Uncles, Aunties, Foster Parents, etc. — YOU’VE GOT THIS!
You are doing the best you can with the cards you’ve been dealt and that is enough! Breathe deeply, have patience with yourselves and your little humans, and remember that at the end of the day, children just mostly care that you love them and show up for them!

Keep trying, keep caring, and keep breathing!

I hope this helps!

Becoming Irby Vu

Photo by: AnneMarie Hamant Photography

In the fall of 2015, after years of “you’re an amazing girl, but I’m just not ready” experiences, a lot of soul searching, a lot of tears, and a very long flight to Asia, I sat in a steamy Airbnb in Bangkok, Thailand and pleaded with God — that He only put the person on my path who was truly meant for me and not bring anyone or anything less than the love I wanted and deserved. I prayed that so hard and felt so heard that I radiated love, openness and readiness for what God had in store for me.

What feels like seconds later, now in hindsight, I met someone who checked all my proverbial boxes. I knew God was listening. Of course He was; I was ready!

What I didn’t realize at that point was that who was truly meant for me, and who I was actually ready for was the son that relationship would give me. That relationship was fleeting, but the beautiful little gift of light was Enzo Alexander Giang Irby Vu.

+
For almost 4 years, I ran a summer camp and interacted with little humans every day. I, like many, compiled a list of all of the names of ‘cool kids’ I met whose names I thought I might like for my unborn child. When it came to selecting his name lots of things came into play. One thing that I never questioned was whether or not my son would have both of our last names. The role his father would or would not play in his life didn’t matter, what mattered was that this Little Noodle was a product of both of us and there would be no denying that since I am Black American and his father is Vietnamese. I wanted to make sure that he never lost sight of all the pieces that make him special and never feel unsure of his value and richness of his makeup.

He is an Irby and a Vu.

++
I grew up the sole child of a single, unmarried mother who, very proudly, carried, and still carries her father’s name - Irby. I didn’t have a relationship with my birth father and was raised by my mother exclusively so I had always been Irby. I never had imagined I’d ever change my name, unless I married someone with a really cool last name that was worth considering… until I became Enzo’s mom.

+++
When he made his way on the planet in November of 2016, I knew I’d make future decisions from a new place — a place free of ego, a place free of self, I, or me — everything new was about we, us, and our tribe now, including our name.

Before the snow was off the ground that winter, I became a single mom. A Black, single mother, to a gorgeous, half Vietnamese, half Black boy. I ran through all the experiences as the child of a single Black mother and recalled how much lighter I breathed when a teacher called my mom “Ms. Irby” and it was so. I remembered how much pride and ease I found in our likeness.

We had a wooden sign on our front door that said ‘Irby Family’ and it made my heart feel a little more in sync with hers because we were the same.

++++
To sum it up, I didn’t change my name because I got married (I didn’t) — I changed my name because I became a “we”. We will face plenty of questions and challenges daily as we navigate the quotidian trials of life in airports, pediatricians offices and schools as we accept and embrace our identities, our love and our lives — one place there needn’t be any challenge, difference, or question is in whether or not we are cut from the same cloth, whether or not we are a “we”, a family, a unit. Any load I can share with him, I will. What he carries, I will carry — including a name that I wasn’t given, but is one I gave him to carry. So long as he is Irby Vu, I will walk along side him and we’ll confidently hold up our heads and family name together.

Photo by: AnneMarie Hamant Photography